Trying to make pure business, the most personal? Impossible, if you’ve once made the most personal, pure business…. There’s no turning back from that.
Boundaries are already defined.
This is not a new conversation. Not at this surface level. You don’t have me cornered or quarantined or up against the ropes. This is very familiar territory, and you have no leverage here. You don’t have the winning hand no matter what your cards are, because I come with a stack of aces in this game. This game is rigged and you’re going to lose, so don’t even try to play.
We (meaning those who have practiced or divulged in any type of what I term “adult theatre”… which often is mistakenly categorize as “strippers” or “workers in the sex industry,” when the word “sex” should NEVER ever be used because its so misleading, its like… calling the devil, God, or calling a toilet, a soup bowl… Sex is a beautiful thing done willingly for enjoyment, not fake horrible distorted things. That’s not what sex is, and dancing is not sex either…. so “problematic” is an understatement with this commonly misused term that soils the pristine).
ANYWAY, we (see above for clarification) are experienced in this realm, and if something is off limits, we can communicate that effectively with ease, quickly and succinctly. Whether its for sale or not, if there is a price tag, or if its off the market, meaning that its not an option. Without getting mad or disturbed at that moment. Remaining calm, laughing in the face of absurdity. Laughing on the inside.
What makes me say this? what is causing me to bring this up at this exact moment? Well, I can’t say that this was the first time, and I can’t say it’ll be the last… but let me tell you a story… A significantly older gentleman and I struck up a conversation as he was walking his Pekingese, this gorgeous long haired dog that I immediately started gushing over… Pit bulls are the dog of choice in my neighborhood. There are so many pitt bull owners, it’s borderline bizarre. I’ve never seen anything like this in my life and I’ve lived a lot of places. This same neighborhood didn’t even allow dogs over 20 lbs in years prior, so the influx/immigration of beautiful protective pit bulls has been a welcome adjustment… Seeing the fancy Pekingese trot down the walkway in a jurisdiction governed by pit bulls was like seeing a Nordic Victoria’s Secret supermodel in a land of buffed up ghetto dudes in military fatigues. It just didn’t fit….hearing the man’s story, I quickly learned that he didn’t fit either.
Out of his element, staying at a friends place temporarily, recovered from spinal injury/opiate addiction, former professional poker player, Jewish, businessman, street educated, not college, accustomed to wealth for the most part, wanted to brag about his rich friends and namedrop the names of people who I’ve never heard of, and had little interest in remembering… these are the things I learned over a casual supposedly business oriented meal…. long story short, within an initial 8 minute casual conversation, he wanted to play the white knight and in order to do that he had to create a problem where none existed. I spoke of career goals and what direction I was moving in/towards, and he jumped the gun, saying “I can help you with that”.
Oh really? So quickly? With so little information about me? You want to do me a giant favor, and put me on? That’s already suspect. After him saying that I looked 24/25, and my facial expression communicating GTFOH, he clarified that MY BODY looked 24/25 and that I must work out all the time. I do love the gym and eat well, my body does look young, but I literally just met you, you are 60 years old and look your age (which is 25 years my senior!), you are a smoker with a gut, and you never lifted weights in your life. do you really think we share the same value system or standards when it comes to health and fitness? I don’t understand the comments, but ok, I get it…. my response was “yeah, alright, gtfoh, I look my age, thanks… all men say that line, that’s old news, that’s basic.” and I brushed that off. I didn’t give that attention. I dismissed his comments about my body, and he was like, “why do you feel insulted? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to insult you.”
fast forward to dinner…. he led with a job offer, commission based sales. my conversation was always about jobs, business, different cities, the future, athletics/training, real estate, neighborhoods, education…. I didn’t acknowledge things outside of that scope. it got no time from me, zero attention… he made this dinner 100% business when communicating the purpose of meeting, and despite me knowing that he made these off kilter comments, I can and will keep it 100% business. That’s not a problem. you’re not going to get anything out of me in that way. It’s impossible. I declare my boundaries well, I know what I want and don’t want…. of course, this hasn’t always been the case before this tiny little insignificant dinner. in times of desperation, I needed help and someone who cared. and I was vulnerable. ive been taken advantage of, when I legitimately needed help. (mind you, I always help myself, more than anyone in this world. whoever says that you need no support ever for anything under any crcumstances, is an abusive liar, and ive heard that.)…. at one particular moment in my past, I was unable to declare a very significant boundary, and that had great consequences for my life. repercussions. this will be another blog post (* ).
how I read him: on point with reading people, he has the poker player background, mind you. egotistical and off a little bit. he spoke of his ex who was 25 years younger than him, Asian, and played candy crush all day while he supported her financially.. and another ex who he got a competitive cocktail waitressing job for, and she’s doing great…. hmmmm, ok.
The point is, what I’m trying to get at, is that he got livid, very mad, when I politely declined dinner with him for a SECOND NIGHT IN A ROW. I said that I had to be productive, meaning get work done online. actually move forward with something that is more substantial or guaranteed…. and he had the nerve to text me that “letting him get to know me is the most productive thing that I could be doing.” Isn’t that crazy? Its comical and its a turnoff, not that I was ever attracted…. However that’s a very unattractive thing to say. How would he know what’s the most productive thing that I could be doing? You don’t know what projects I’m working on, my priorities, or who I already know and am involved with. He knew very little, which was very appropriate for our meeting.
Further, who does dinner 2 nights in a row casually, non business, upon first meeting? this was never anything romantic and its a quite a leap to think that…. isn’t is expected that people are busy with work and gym and cleaning and bills and entrepreneurial endeavors?!
After our first and only meeting, he informed me that he wanted the owner of said company to meet me, and that we’ll go to dinner or arrange a meeting… I said fine, if the business person/owner is there, no problem, because that’s the whole point of the meeting…. because I was busy, I could not meet up till 8pm, and the guy told me that that may be too late for the business owner, so how about me and him just go out to dinner? That’s when I said that I had to be productive, so no thank you, perhaps another time… then he came with that arrogant outrageous comment, “the most productive thing that you could be doing is letting me get to know you.”
Uhhhh…. I doubt that. I’ve heard your speech, I’ve heard your pitch. I’m sure that I could be doing a lot of things much more productive. Always. You’re not my cash cow and I don’t need you. But its nice that you think that. Good for you. Let me know how that works out for you.
45 ANGLES 